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"You know, 'sweep that under the rug, stay in your little box, that doesn't happen here. We're a hidden part of society and to some extent, I feel like some parts of society are happy for us to be hidden away. "If we all are silent and if we all don't talk about how traumatic the experience is, we're never going to get change, because no-one will know. She shared her secret publicly, by appearing on stage at a TEDx talk in Auckland, because of a drive to help others. Getting out into nature, biking, walking, listening to audiobooks, painting – it all helps her smile now. And rather than thinking of jumping off a cliff, I could think of just flying quite peacefully." Like the butterfly she had transformed into. And instead of falling apart and crying, I started to notice how nice things were. The counselling helps, learning to look for joy and happiness to balance out the dark spaces she sometimes retreated to. And sometimes they come out and a wing is broken." Maybe my life was going to finish in the cocoon because that happens to some butterflies. "I didn’t know if I was going to transform. The cocoon was temporary, although at times it didn't feel like that. When she realised she wasn't coping, she retreated into a cocoon, a space where she could look after her mental and physical health. First, she was like a caterpillar, all she could manage was to eat and sleep, just to survive. Sarah talks about the transformation she's gone through since she started telling people.
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I'm also free of a lot of the pain that I was going through." From caterpillar to butterfly "I just feel I've got a permanent safety net for me now, it's fantastic. and support around me once I accepted the support and trusted the support. That really really helped me to get well, knowing that I had that choice. You can still say no if it's not right at that time. "It's OK to ask for help and to get help. She gave me choices around different techniques to use."Īsking for – and accepting – help gave her back a sense of control. "She focused on how I was feeling, and how I can manage situations. Because I thought going down the counselling route, that I would have to re-live everything, and I was terrified of, but she didn't do that with me. "I was never forced to talk about things that I didn't want to talk about and that surprised me. Through that initial blur of telling people, she learnt she could see a counsellor, provided by ACC. I hadn't appreciated how difficult that would be. "During the time of the investigation was probably the hardest. She's honest about how the process feels when you report rape, from that first police interview, through the months of investigation. It's not for everyone, she cautions. And when I did know better, it was too late. "And I grew up thinking: 'Well, that's what normally happens, that's life, that's how women are treated', and so I didn't know any better.
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I was not sexually active, so what the man did to me was something that I didn't know what it was, how bad it was at that time. "For me, at the time, I didn’t even know what it was. There she found support to begin to work through her past, including talking to Police. "I Googled 'What to do when you're raped'," she says, half-laughing, half-crying at the absurdity of typing those confronting words in a search box.
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"I was feeling in a good place in life, and feeling comfortable where I was with my work, my family, my friends."īut then Sarah had an obvious question: "Where do I go?" So, she turned to an obvious place: the internet. Somehow, she just knew when she was 'strong enough' to break her silence. And then I didn't have to deal with it, I didn't have to deal with other people's reactions." Being in a good place To some extent that was the easy part - keeping it a secret. "I'm glad I kept my secret for as long as I did because I needed to wait until I was ready. You don't know the way out."īut she has also talked, privately and publicly, about what happened to her as a child. She's learnt to live with who she is. And now she is free. "You're in such a dark place, and you don't know which way you're going. Sarah has come through dark times since she chose to say, out loud, that she was raped when she was 14. She's felt suicidal, she's cocooned herself away from people, she's cried and cried and cried. She starts to tell her secret, the secret she kept for 35 years. She looks out into the dim light to the audience of strangers. Sarah stands on a stage under a spotlight.